Toxic Relationships

Here is an article that I wrote for NetDoctor

Do you feel trapped in a relationship that is getting worse but don’t know what to do?

How did you get to that place when you were once in love with your partner and the future looked wonderful?

What are the signs that you are in a toxic relationship?

1. You are dreading the future

You are either looking back and remembering the good times or looking back at the negatives ‘why did I ever start a relationship with them?’

You are also unable to enjoy the Now, either because it is not good or because it is overwhelmed by a miserable future.

2. Communication is bad

Maybe you are having arguments that just go round and round in circles and nothing gets resolved.

Maybe you are both talking but there is no listening.

Maybe you are unable to express how you really feel.

Maybe you have just given up and there are lots of uncomfortable silences.

3. There is a lack of connection

You feel that you have drifted apart and are living parallel lives.

Hugs, touches and lovemaking are infrequent or unsatisfactory.

When you meet again after one of you has been out any greeting is cursory, and you almost wish they were not there.

Also, you are finding them irritating or you perceive that the things that they are doing wrong outweigh the things they do right.

4. There is no real commitment to the relationship

They, or you, are going through the motions and your relationship has become a habit.

You might also feel controlled by them and unable to be your true self.

They may be putting you down and not taking responsibility for their part in the relationship. You are feeling that you are the problem.

5. The Fun has leaked away

When did the two of you last really have fun together?

If you are struggling to remember or it seems a long time ago; why is that?

6. There is no growth

It feels like you are stuck in a rut and have not grown as an individual or as a couple.

Maybe every day feels like Groundhog Day.

Maybe you feel held back; you want to be so much more than you are now but feel unable to grow because your partner ‘wouldn’t like it.’

7. Trust has gone

You don’t trust them.

There may even be physical violence or emotional abuse.

There are times when you don’t know where they are, what they are doing or who they are communicating with.

You may have a feeling that there is someone else in the relationship and you don’t know who.

You have tried raising this and had an unconvincing response or be met by anger.

8. You feel stressed most of the time

The impact of a toxic relationship on our physical and mental health can be significant and negative. Research shows that the physical effects include poor sleep, a higher risk of heart problems, high blood sugar levels, high blood pressure, obesity, weakened immune system and organ damage.

The impact on mental health is more insidious and can create insecurity, poor self-image, unhappiness, depression, reduced energy and mental fatigue.

A lot of these are because the stress puts us into fight, flight or freeze mode and the body is being flooded by the stress hormones of adrenaline and cortisol.

What are the red flags to look for in the early days of dating?

There are a number of red flags in the early days, to be aware of:

• You feel strongly drawn to one part of their offer (for example great sex) but the rest is not attractive
• You feel out of tune with them
• Your heart or gut are telling you that something is not right
• You are not listened to
• They seem more interested in telling you about themselves and how great they are than hearing your story
• They are vain and look in the mirror a lot!
• You get little praise or positive affirmation
• They like to be in control
• They are not interested in your needs
• There is repressed anger
• At times you feel afraid of them
• They have strong addictions and can get out of control

What to do if you are in a toxic relationship?

• You have three choices:
• Continue to put up with it
• Separate
• Work to try and resolve it

Continue to put up with it:

Why would you do that? You both deserve better. If you are feeling that dealing with it is too difficult; what will the future be like if you carry on. How much pain will this cause to you, your partner, family and friends.

Separate

This might ultimately be the best long-term solution, particularly if your partner is being controlling or abusive. If you separate without trying to resolve it then you will both carry unhelpful patterns of behaviour into future relationships and will not have learned the important lessons from this one.

Work to try and resolve it

Communication is the key to dealing with Toxicity.
This starts with an open and honest conversation where you can both share how you are feeling about the relationship and what you both want to have happen.

A suggestion to start on this journey are:

Create the space and time to have this conversation, free of interruptions.

Calibrate where you both feel you are in the relationship.

Give scores out of 10 (where 10 is wonderful and 1 is awful) for each of the key elements of your relationship:
• Communication
• Connection
• Commitment
• Fun
• Growth
• Trust

Share your scores and talk through the similarities and differences. Talk about your feelings rather than the ‘stuff’ and try and remove blame by talking about ‘I feel’ rather than ‘You don’t’. Agree just one step that you are both going to take, that week, to improve on one priority. Repeat every week until you are both happy with the relationship.

If you are afraid to do this; why? How else will the relationship improve? If your partner does not want to engage; that is giving a clear message that they are not committed to your relationship so maybe it is time to separate.

Toxic relationships are where there is a lack of support, understanding or empathy for each other. There can also be competitiveness, undermining and disrespect.

They can start off that way where one partner is naturally abusive, manipulative or even narcissistic. There may be a strong attraction to the other that blinds them to the negativity or they, often through previous trauma, feel drawn to being a victim.

Toxic relationships can also develop from a once good relationship that has been damaged by outside events such as loss of work, money or children. Addiction by one partner to alcohol, drugs, gambling or porn can also create a schism as may an affair.

A good relationship requires investment of time and energy. If this is not given and a couple drift apart, their resentment at feeling trapped in an unhealthy relationship may fester into blame and point scoring, evolving into toxicity.

Can a toxic relationship be fixed?

Yes, it can be but only of both want it to change, are able to take responsibility for their part in the toxicity and are capable of creating a new and better relationship.

The past has important lessons to be learned from but the now and the future needs the past toxicity to be left behind. We can’t change what has happened; we can change how we allow it to affect us.

How to end a toxic relationship

It is important to try and end a toxic relationship gently but decisively to prevent it contaminating any future relationship. You are likely to go through a range of emotions as mapped out in the five stages of the Kubler Ross change curve; Shock, Anxiety, Overwhelmed, struggling (to find meaning), to the point of Moving on.

You will be creating a better future for yourself, your partner and your children, if there are any, by dealing with the ending in the right way.

Here are the important steps to go through:

Tell your Partner

Will this come as a shock to them; if so why? Have they been in denial or have you been hiding your feelings?

Put aside any fears that you cannot break up because you don’t want to hurt them. Yes, you may hurt them, but you will hurt them and you much more if you remain trapped in the toxic relationship.

Find a safe space, free of interruptions where you can talk confidentially, preferably away from the home. Explain to them that you have been thinking about the relationship and have decided that it has to end. Try and avoid blaming them; express your feelings and accept your responsibility for how the relationship has become. Be gentle but also be very clear; it is over. There may be tears and anger but hold firm to your decision.

If you are involved with someone else, be honest about this. If there is not someone else, make this very clear too.

If you are clear that you want it to end and they react badly by anger, distress, threats, abuse or cajoling; stick to your decision. They will get over it.

Tell your Children (if you have any)

The two really important messages that the children need to hear repeatedly is that you both love them and that none of it is their fault.

It is best for you both to tell them at the same time, so that they get a consistent message and are less likely to take sides. They will want to know about the why; they should not be given the detail, just that their parents have decided to split up and that this sometimes happens in relationships. If the relationship has been unhappy for a while, they will probably have picked up more than you imagine.

They will also want to know the what and when, about where they are going to live. If you have an answer tell them if not say that you are both working, it out.

Avoid playing them off against your partner; that will damage all of you. It is important that your children learn that relationships can end and that is really sad, but it can be done in a way to minimise damage and create a better life for all.

Tell your family

It may come as a surprise to them or a relief. Avoid blaming your soon to be Ex and get your family’s support to help you navigate your way through this tough journey. They don’t need to know the detail, just the support that you want from them. If you have children, it is particularly important for your family to try and maintain a cordial relationship with your Ex and not cast them into the wilderness.

Tell your friends

Friends can react in surprising ways and it is a test of who your true friends are. There will be three types of friends; yours, theirs and friends of you as a couple.

Keep yours to you, you will need them. Tell them the decision and ask them for the support you need. They may want to support you by blaming your Ex; that is not helpful to any of you.
You may lose ‘their’ friends and if so, that is natural. It is also important that they have friends to help them, so avoid stealing theirs!

In terms of joint friends, you might find that many disappear because they find the breakup hard to deal with. Just accept that and let them go. If they want to stay friends, you need to clarify whether you are OK going to events together with your Ex or not.

Sort Out the Living Arrangements

Where are you going to live, short term and long term?

If you are able to move to live in separate places quickly, that will be ideal. If you have to stay in the same place for a while it is really important that you set ground rules. For example, are you going to share the same bed and if so, is sex OK or not?

It is also really important to get clarity on the longer-term living plans; will one of you move out and the other stay or will you both need to move elsewhere. You may end up living somewhere smaller or not as nice as the current house. That may be the investment you have to make to be happier and in a better relationship.

Sort out the Financials

This is where breakups can become nasty and financially and emotionally hugely draining. Try and agree up front the principles of split of assets (mainly house, cash, investments and pensions)

Be clear whether there needs to be any maintenance for you or them and the children.

Work out what you think should be a fair split and what the minimum you would accept is.

Ask your partner what they think is fair. If you are both close; great. If you are miles apart suggest financial mediation and avoid getting into big arguments. It is worth being generous and walking away with your head held high rather than having your life consumed by expensive arguments.

If there is a lot of money and complicated finances, you will need a lawyer to sort out the details. If it is simple and there is agreement between you, then the divorce can be done simply and online.

Sort out the Children

Agree the principles if you have young children under the age of 18. Who are they going to live with and how often will they see each of you? Try and get a flexible agreement that meets their needs first. Also accept the fact that once they become teenagers, they will want to start making their own decisions about which parent to be with and when.
It is hugely important to avoid using them as a weapon; that will hurt you all.

Celebrate the Good from the Past

Hold onto the good things from the relationship; they are memories that will help you through the journey into the future. Share these with your Ex too, coming from a place of love and gratitude rather than showing hope that they could be recreated. Remember, also, to thank your Ex for what positives they brought to the relationship.

Learn the lessons you need to learn from the relationship

Ditch any feelings of guilt or failure and ask yourself the question ‘What have I learned from this relationship that will make any future relationship better’. So many people end relationships, blaming their Ex and go on to keep repeating the mistakes from the past.

Create your future Dreams

Be very clear about what you want from a relationship in the future. Do not rush into a new relationship unless it meets the standards you have set. Just allow yourself to be open to falling in love again with the right person. It is also a time where there is an opportunity to create the life you want, living where you want, doing the work you will find fulfilling. Cast off the lines and set a new course.

Remain Friends, and no more, with your Ex

If things are not going well, it may be tempting to go back to your Ex as they are ‘better than nothing’. If you have that temptation, remind yourself why you broke up in the first place. Going back is never a good idea unless you or they have changed so much that none of those reasons are valid anymore.

Love your life

You deserve to have a happy life and a loving and fulfilling relationship; hold onto that belief!