Is Self Love The Way To True Love ?

I received this from Nikki Owen, a friend and world expert on the subject of Charisma:

With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching I am bombarded with reminders of love; Moonpig cards, bouquets of roses, romantic dinners for two and then there’s the chocolate. Bright red shiny hearts of pure sweet pleasure, so addictive that eating just one becomes a war between the wanting and the willpower. Relationships cause accelerated growth within us. When we give our heart to another we may feel vulnerable and exposed. In our desire to hold onto the illusion of ‘happy ever after’ we can experience separation anxiety even when we are with the person we love. If the relationship cools or if we find ourselves embroiled in a cauldron of toxic emotions we start to feel bruised and hurt, angry that we dared to place our trust in another. Often we vow to harden our heart and its soft gooey centre becomes brittle and chewy like a never-ending toffee. Negative emotions that we have not dealt with leave a residue in the cells of the body and consequently attract negative situations and people to us.

If there is a relationship in your past that you have not forgiven or released, it is imperative to resolve it now because you’ll carry large suitcases full of dense dirty baggage into your next relationship.

It is only when we start to accept that nothing is forever and change is inevitable that we begin to enjoy a relationship for what it gives us in the present moment. Why do we believe that ’till death us do part’ is the way to live a relationship? These expectations bind us to another so tightly that we cease to question whether or not we are actually feeling happy. By attaching our happiness to another, by attaching our well-being to the home we have built together and by attaching our ownership to trinkets and possessions, we effectively give away our personal power. Is it really admirable to stick it out with your chosen mate regardless of how you are feeling? So when a relationship ends why do we grieve so much? Why do these perceived failures fill us with pain, anger and resentment that we haven’t got that which we signed up for? When we can reflect on relationships in our past and appreciate what we learned from each one, we free ourselves emotionally to attract that special someone who is on the same energetic frequency.

Keeping hold of negative emotions towards others weighs us down so that ordinary living feels heavy, arduous and relentlessly grey. The ability to understand the positives from any relationship is the first step to healing so we can accept that just like the seasons, some relationships weather the storms and others buckle under the relentless winds of change. Is it societal expectation that creates this pressure? If we listen to the whispers from our heart and operate in alignment with what instinctively makes us feel good, would our lives not be simpler and therefore easier and happier?

If all this sounds a bit ‘lovey dovey’ then consider the principle of entanglement. Everything you label as an object essentially boils down to a collection of electrical charges interacting with other energy. Everything is energy – little pulsating knots of energy that operate and function as if they are one collective. Once subatomic particles such as electrons or photons are in contact, they remain aware of and forever influenced by one another instantaneously. This entanglement process is like a pair of star crossed lovers who may be forced to separate but remain mentally and emotionally intertwined forever. So if we do not make our peace with our ‘failed’ relationships, we are effectively dooming ourselves to a life of unrequited love. From a quantum physics perspective by holding resentment towards another is to hold resentment towards yourself. So could it be true that to truly love another you first have to love and accept yourself for who you really are including all your imperfections? Carl Jung referred to a Collective Consciousness that connects us all forever so as the world of Quantum Physics collides with Psychotherapy it appears that the greatest love of our life and the most important relationship of all is the one we have with ourself.

Many of us are our own worst critic, setting impossible standards that we are doomed never to meet. The relentless judgemental voice in our head informs you with an air of complete and utter authority that you are ‘not good enough’ ‘not worthy’ ‘a failure’ and this internal monkey chatter causes tremendous insecurity that we project onto our relationships with others. In an effort to feel secure we unconsciously seek to control the energetic interplay within our relationships because we’ve been programmed to recognise that energy makes us feel good and a lack of it drains the positivity from our life. Some people seek to intimidate others because it makes them feel ‘better than’ the other person. Some people play the victim card as they bury themselves in their ‘poor me’ story knowing that sympathy energises and sustains them. Some people interrogate and question – demanding answers and desperately needing to understand everything about their partner’s behaviour.

Some people withdraw into their metaphorical cave so they can detach from their emotions as they appear aloof and uncaring. From an early age I formed the belief that love hurts and this played itself out in a number of destructive ways. I tried to control not only my feelings but the feelings of my intimate partners. When I felt that the relationship was not as it should be I began to withdraw as if I knew that it was time to protect myself from the possibility of being hurt. After a number of sessions with my coach (who is really more of a therapist), I discovered that in relation to relationships, I never felt good enough. My secret fear was that if a guy would get too close they would be disappointed with what they would find. Who could possibly find me attractive let alone love me if they knew me better? Needless to say my own insecurities have played out in my relationships that have all ended in tears and the haunting question ‘what went wrong?’ It’s only now that I appreciate the importance of loving and accepting the woman I am and that being me is enough. My issues in relationships were simply ‘issues with myself’ in disguise and it’s taken me years to discover this truth.

So how do you begin the journey to complete and utter love and acceptance of you? Let me share a story with you. Ten years ago when I lived in London I invited some friends round for dinner and met a wonderful lady from France called Sophie, the wife of a successful businessman. I was not expecting the conversation that transpired between us. We discovered that we both shared an obsession with pennies. Whenever we saw money dropped in the street we felt a compelling urge to pick it up in the belief that ‘The Universe’ wants to give us money. If we walked past a penny then we were transmitting to ‘The Universe’ that we don’t want or appreciate money. The energetic resonance we emit when we feel grateful for something, even a penny in the street creates a frequency that is likely to attract rather than detract. After that night Sophie gave me a beautiful carved wooden box that was destined to become my ‘penny pot’ that holds all the free money I have found over the years.

This principle is true for the way we honour and acknowledge ourselves. If we deny our own feelings in a quest to please others we are sending a message to ourselves that we are not as important as other people. If we put ourselves down then we are acting like a critical parent eroding our inner child’s confidence. If we choose not to support ourselves through our self talk then we are sabotaging our self esteem. If we keep replaying painful memories we are torturing our soul and betraying the love we used to feel for who we were. When we blame ourselves for past actions, when we push ourselves too hard, when we eat the wrong foods, drink too much, watch too much mindless tv, we are sending a loud message to ourself – ‘you are just not worth the effort’.

In 1978 my teenage years were full of hatred towards myself for the hurt and damage my behaviour had inflicted upon my parents, my sister and my brother. I also recognised that at some point I had to forgive myself. In hating myself I was dooming my soul to a lifetime of misery and self destruction. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, the day I looked at myself in the mirror and said ” I forgive you, I love you”. So as Valentine’s Day dawns why not commit to really taking care of you? Be mindful of the precious gift of life you hold in your arms because it is only when we decide to walk our path without judgement of ourself, can we truly know what it is to love another.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all!

Written by Nikki Owen, posted by Neil