Detox Your Relationships

Impact of Lockdown

Lockdowns 1, 2 and 3 were tough for most people and put a big strain on relationships. Now that we are in a different and more ambiguous phase, we will all be experiencing different feelings and our journey to the ‘new normal’ will be at different speeds. We will also be bringing with us different baggage of fear, frustration, irritation, resentment as well as positive feelings of joy, gratitude and reconnection with what is really important. We can choose which to carry forward and which to leave behind.

The stress of all of this uncertainty makes us less tolerant and more likely to retreat into our own internal comfort zone. There is also worry about the financial impact this will have as we move out of furlough. Many people will become unemployed and future job prospects are uncertain.

The impact of all of this can have a long-term negative effect on our physical and mental health. The stress puts us into fight, flight or freeze mode and the body is being flooded by the stress hormones of adrenaline and cortisol.

Now is the time for couples to pause and reflect on what has gone well in the relationship and what could be even better. If this is done with an attitude of openness, honesty and wanting to co-create a better future then the relationship can only improve. If couples wait, the likelihood is that frustrations and resentments will be suppressed and leak out in disconnection or arguments, then the relationship is likely to deteriorate.

What are the tensions in relationships and how to reboot them?

Falling in love is easy; staying in love is hard work! So many couples start a great relationship and then expect it to magically stay good of its own accord. Life, time, work, children and many other things can get you both off course and drifting apart.

Here are seven key areas where there are tensions in relationships, with suggestions on where you both need to work to reboot and improve your relationship:

1. Communication
Many couples drift apart because they are not communicating well with each other, they expect their partner to read their mind and they get locked into battles over blame about ‘stuff’. Resentment can then start to grow.

Find time and space to talk about how you are both feeling. Maybe once a week set aside an hour to share what are three things that have gone well in the relationship in the last week and one thing that needs to be dealt with. Avoid blaming and do this from the perspective of ‘I feel’

2. Connection
The Visceral connection that may have been there when you first got together may fade quickly; the passion, hours making love, kisses, gifts, hours talking may get swamped by dull routine. You may look back at a forgotten time and look forward with a sense of ‘is this all it is’.

Create moments of intimacy where you connect, and it is as if the world stops and nothing else matters. It can just be a few seconds; a real hug or meaningful kiss on leaving or returning from work. Or it can be just time where you are together, free from distractions and just be with each other.

3. Commitment
As a couple get used to each other and make the transition from ‘being in love’ to loving each other’ the magic can fade and be replaced by the ordinary. Commitment is essential so that both see the relationship as a real priority.

Nothing stays the same. Is your relationship a safe harbour in the storms or is it a boat drifting at the mercy of the winds, waves and currents? Put your relationship at the centre of everything and invest time, love and energy in it. If it is your safe harbour, then you will both be able to cope much better with the storms.

4. Fun
Sadly, many couples forget to have fun because they become overwhelmed by work, family, children and other responsibilities.
Unleash the child within. Make a joint list and do things, often, that will make you both smile and laugh.

5. Growth
For a relationship to thrive there are three parts that need to grow; You, Me and Us. If there is no growth the relationship will wither.

Talk with your partner about how you would like to grow and develop and what you would like for the relationship too. Explore where you overlap, where you are different and how you can both get what you need.

6. Trust
Trust is normally assumed to be there until something happens to rock the foundation. It can be something small like your partner becoming secretive about phone messaging.

If you are uncertain and feel that something is wrong; bring this up and talk about it, otherwise it may fester and get out of proportion.

7. Sex
Sex often fades fairly quickly, and few couples are able to talk about this really important subject. There is often the belief that the other should be able mind read their desires.

Create the time to talk about it; a few minutes embarrassment is much better than years of frustration and disappointment. A gentle way in might be to calibrate each of your scores out of 10 for frequency and satisfaction. Then open up the conversation to what is good and what could be even better.

What are the tensions in friendships and how to reboot and improve your friendships?

Friendships are incredibly important for our sense of self as well as for our physical and mental wellbeing. Lockdown will have put strain on friendships because thew pattern of face to face meetings will have paused and we will all have been on different path’s through Covid-19.

There are four levels of friendships:

Acquaintances – people that you meet occasionally and only talk about general, safe topics
Casual friends – you meet more frequently and talk about common interests
Good friends – you share values and have similar interests and goals. You share safe parts of your life
Close friends – you are open, honest and vulnerable with each other. You are there for each other and can depend on them.

Acquaintances and casual friends can come and go leaving very little emotional trace. It is the good friends and close friends that we need to pay more attention to their trajectory through our lives.

There is a saying that people are in our lives for a reason (to help us in a particular moment) a season (to help us through a phase of our life) or for life.

For close friends we may live our lives in parallel when we first meet but those tracks may diverge because of other relationships, changing jobs, moving homes and changing interests. Friendships can be put under pressure when one is doing better than the other, has a better relationship, more money, nicer children or developing different goals in life. This can cause resentment, jealousy and drifting apart.

A friendship, like a relationship has six key elements:

Communication, Connection, Commitment, Fun, Growth and Trust.

All six of these elements need to be nurtured for it to be a good and sustainable relationship. There are also three parties in the friendship; you, me and us. They also need to be in balance. If you and a really close friend have drifted apart, then have a conversation with them. Ideally face to face so that you can say something like “I really appreciated our friendship because it made me feel x, y, z”. I am wondering what has changed for you and how you feel about our friendship?’ and then listen to their feelings. If you both want it to continue then agree what you are both going to do differently. If they don’t want it to continue, then thank them and let it go gently.

What if you are feeling lonely?

If you have just broken up or are looking unsuccessfully, it is easy to feel sad and lonely:

Look forward to the future, not back to the past that you have lost
Use the time that you now have creatively, maybe to do one of those “things” that you have always wanted to do
Reach out to people that can envelop you in positive energy and fun
This is an opportunity to create your ideal future relationship, not to replay old dreams
List the attributes of your ideal partner, not just what they will look like but what their values are and how they will make you feel.
When you are ready, start looking!