Becoming A Better Listener

Being truly listened to is one of the most important gifts a person can give to someone else. Yet for many people, this doesn’t come naturally. Good listening requires focusing your attention on them, what they are really saying and what they want.

Here are 5 tips:

1. Show Interest

Ask questions about your partner’s viewpoint. You want to know as much as you can about their difficulties and successes. This shows that you care enough to be curious. Such questions might be:

• “What’s this like for you?”
• “What do you feel about this?”
• “What’s happening for you now?”
• “And anything else?”

2. Express Empathy

Try to put yourself in their shoes, feel at least a part of what they’re feeling and express your compassion for them. Statements of empathy sound like this:

• “You must be so upset/pleased about that.”
• “I’d be happy/worried about that too.”
• “That sounds so sad/encouraging for you.”
• “That sounds scary/fun.”

3. Side with Your Partner, Not the Enemy

When your partner complains about someone else, do not side with the ‘other’. This will only make your partner feel attacked, and like a fool for being open with you

Instead, take your partner’s side. It can be tricky if you agree with the issue the ‘enemy’ has raised. So find something in the situation to empathise with, such as their feelings, even if not about the issue itself.

4. Asking that ‘Feeling’ question

Ask “What do you feel about this?” to deepen your understanding of your partner’s emotions. You can feel more than one feeling at once, so follow up asking:
“And anything else?”
Until the answer is “No”.

It is these moments of sharing emotions, which help to form and re-form the bonds that keep partnerships alive.

5. Don’t rush to Problem Solve

Switch off that voice in your head that is trying to solve the problem and listen. You may want to help them by giving them the answer. But don’t do it, it will give your partner the feeling they’re not smart enough to think of their own solutions.

Instead, listen, ask questions, empathise and wait for your partner’s cue when they request help. This is what a ‘plea for help’ sounds like:
“What do you think I should do?”
“I really need your advice on this.”

Then it’s OK to offer suggestions, but not before then.