Is getting back with your Ex a good idea?

Getting back with your ex can seem an easy solution to loneliness. It can also trap you in yet another bad relationship.

Here are 5 tips:

1. Remind yourself why they are your Ex

Ask yourself these questions, with the gift of hindsight:

• How did the relationship end and was it your decision, their decision or a mutual decision?
  
• If it was your decision, was it a mistake?
  
• If it was their decision; have they changed their mind?
  
• From what you know now, would anything have changed?
  
• Are you now both in a fundamentally different place where the relationship could work better?
  
• If you met your ex today as a complete stranger would you be attracted to them and want to start a relationship with them?

If the answer to all of these is no, then nothing has changed and going back would be more than disappointing.

2. Calibrate your old Relationship

• How was the relationship on the 6 key elements?
• Score each of these out of 10 (where 10 is perfect) and see what pattern emerges:
• Communication – were you able to talk, express your feelings and be truly listened to?
• Connection – how strong was the feeling of connection or had you drifted apart?
• Commitment – were you both truly committed to the relationship or going through the motions?
• Fun – how much fun did the two of you have together?
• Growth – were the ‘You’, ‘Me’ and ‘Us’ all growing or stuck in a rut?
• Trust – did you trust them totally?

If many of the scores were 7 or below then why would this be better in the future?

3. Access your subconscious

Get lots of paper and find a space free of interruptions. Think about your ex and write non-stop for 15 minutes (that means you are not allowed to stop writing.) At the end of 15 minutes, stop and take a break of at least 5 minutes. Come back and read through what you have written and see what themes have emerged. Then take that paper somewhere safe and burn it. Reflect on what that has told you about your ex.

4. Tap into your heart and your gut

We have three centres of intelligence in our body, our brain, heart and gut.
Sit or lie still and focus on thoughts of your ex. Are you feeling warm, excited, love? What is that telling you? Check to see if all three are aligned. If not, where is the dissonance coming from?

5. Focus on what sort of relationship you want in the future

Getting back with your Ex will not be pressing the ‘Play’ button having paused the old relationship. This has to be looked at as a new and better relationship not the old one with a sticking plaster on. Life has moved on and you are both older and different.

This is an opportunity to create your ideal future relationship, not to replay old dreams. A great way of getting clarity on this can be to get a large piece of paper and some coloured pens. Let the thoughts and feelings flow and draw a representation of what your ideal future relationship will be, not just the person, but how you will feel and the life you will be having. Look at this and see what it is telling you.

Maybe ask your ex to do the same so that you can compare and see what is different and how well aligned you are.

Then work out what you need to do to allow this to happen. Is that desirable and achievable?

Going through the above tips will give you a much clearer idea of whether it will work. You both deserve a great and loving relationship; if you can both have that with each other, that is good. If not, look elsewhere!